A debrief

So last week was quite a doozy. I didn't get to be the Site Director last week, Jonathan took over and my boss, Rhonda, flew in for the week to transition the team. It was rough on me. Jonathan is great and in real life (meaning, outside of our YouthWorks lives) we would be great friends. And we are good friends. But it has been really difficult for me to hand over my team to him. The team that I've built up from the beginning. From day one. I've seen them through it all and now...that's not my role anymore. Even the site, as difficult as it has been, it's been hard to hand it all off to Jonathan. It's like I'm grieving losses that I'm still a part of. Still in the midst of. I came to a point last week where I realized that I was no longer needed and I didn't have a crucial role in running this mission site anymore. That hit me like a ton of bricks. But there are a couple of things I've learned (or am STILL learning from all of this)...

• You have to be well to lead well. The reason that YouthWorks pulled me from being Site Director is because I'm not healthy enough. I can't do my best if I don't rest. It's just not possible. I feel like God has been trying to teach me a little bit of that this summer (it's a reoccurring lesson though it seems). I've never really learned to "take care" of myself. Yeah, I've gotten by, I figured out ways to get my stuff together...but that doesn't mean I've learned to take care of myself.

•  Ministry is fun, worth it, and all of those good things that people talk about in church. But it's also tough. It's not always fun. It doesn't always feel worth it. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. 

• It's not about me. It's been tough to let go of the "harvest" and the time that we are in right now as a team is "harvest" time. I don't get to harvest what I've sown. Jonathan does. As much as that sucks, it's not about me. I have to step back and remind myself that it's not about me. Who cares who gets to harvest as long as there IS a harvest? When did I make myself such a big deal? I should never be the big deal, it's not supposed to be about me in the first place. It's supposed to be about Jesus in every place. Right?

This summer has been one of the most difficult summers that I can remember. But difficult in a different way. Difficult as far as my personal growth and faith goes. I'm learning what it means to read the bible and soak it in. I'm learning that what I listen to can affect my thoughts and actions in everyday life. I'm learning that my speech can tear down or build up and have long term affects on people. I'm learning about who I need to look to (Psalm 121). I'm asking a lot of questions and not getting a lot of answers. It's frustrating. It feel grueling at times, trying to figure out this faith stuff. But I guess that means I'm headed in the right direction...

This summer has also been difficult health-wise. As you all know, I've been in and out of the doctors office and hospitals, more this summer than I have been in my entire life. I'm not joking. I've never felt this unhealthy. Not sure what to draw from that one yet, other than I am now thankful for the days when I feel healthy. I guess being ill makes you appreciate being well.


There is still so much to process and I plan on continuing this blog even after I'm home, using it as a tool to debrief and continue processing lessons from this crazy summer. So stay tuned...